where's my heart?

This week was supposed to be my break week...a week where you relax, unwind, and catch up with yourself. Me? Noooooo, i spent time catching up with projects and studying and quizzes...the list is endless.
Thing is, sometimes you get so caught up with all these things that's going on in your life that you forget to stop and look. I'm not talking about smelling the roses or staring at the clouds...but just look. I did, and I didn't like what I saw. All my friends went home to spend time with their families, and I insisted on staying here because of my truckload of work. It's easy, all I had to do was set some days aside and say I'm gonna spend some time with my family, but somehow I came to the conclusion that completing all these mundane tasks would fulfil my "needs". Somewhere along the line I lost track of my priorities. My brother is home for the week and I haven't seen him for the longest time...I want to so badly that my heart is breaking. My parents, I've been here for more than a year and they still call me multiple times a day...which annoys me to no end, and yet when they don't it's a void I find difficult to fill. My sister? Oh god, how I hate her...and yet when I'm not with her is when I miss her smile and the fighting the most.
I suppose my message today is simple, you don't and won't know what you have until you get a glimpse of what life is like once it's gone. I've made up my mind that I'm going to go see them soon, hopefully soon is soon... Although I tell this to myself all the time, today is the first time I've realised just how big a place these 4 people hold in my heart. At first i thought I was just missing my friends, since they're all gone, but it wasn't just that. It's this. Too bad, I come from a family that doesn't really express affection verbally, I can never tell them just how much I love them. I remember this one instance when I first came here, I was so incredibly homesick, that while I was talking to my mother on the phone I was sobbing, but she had no clue. Some might think what's so difficult about admitting that you're homesick? But see, that wasn't the issue. My mother had never been away from me for more than a couple of weeks, and even then I was with relatives. I found out from my father that she had trouble sleeping at night and was constantly worried about me, if I let her in on the fact that I was crying, I know for a fact that that she would cry herself to sleep until the next time she saw me. My dad? He calls me constantly, not to check up on me (he could care less if I'm playing tonsil hockey with some guy, which I'm not...but just to hear my voice) and threatens me to eat, as if that would somehow magically make us closer. I guess that's how Indian parents express love, since my mom does it everytime too. Sometimes I feel like I have an unhealthy bond with my parents, I mean how many of us can say, at this very moment, that out parents would die if that was what it took for us to be happy? I know I'm being melodramatic, but I can.
This is turning out to be a really long post, so where's my heart? It's not with some guy I met or something like that. It's with these 4 insignificant people, and the best part is I know they will never break it. Maybe someday when a guy comes along, he'll be smart enough to ask a small piece from them, and these "gatekeepers" as I call them will be the ones to determine if he can join them and keep guard over my fragile heart as I keep guard over a piece of each of theirs...and his too. :P

weekend happenings...

This weekend, I decided to sort of pay back one my cousins by helping her be a tour guide to some of my other cousins who were in Singapore for the first time...I was sooo exhausted from just coming back from Singapore Friday night and having to go back again on Saturday morning. Those of you whom have traveled back and forth know how tiring it is. It turned out to be one of my best and worst experiences to date. Now those of you who read my blog (1 person, occasionally, which would be me) know that I usually don't go into details, but just this once I might indulge.
Basically the sight seeing wasn't much, all I can remember is the amount of walking we had to do...my legs hurt sooo bad!!! Oh, and I got some really cool stuff from this 3 for $10 shop, and now I'm trying to figure out why I bought them...which is what I always do. The crux of me wanting to delve into the details is what happened on Saturday night. Now, for those that know me, you know that I have OCD, so I always do things a certain away and I never steer to far away from it. For the first time in my whole history of having alcoholic drinks, for a lack of a better term...I drank with people other than my 4 friends. This might not be a big deal to some but to me, breaking tradition takes a lot of strength.
Oh, and I like Vodka because it doesn't have any taste, so when I realised that once you mix it with juice, it tastes like well, juice, I drank and drank and didn't really know my limit... Which was how I ended up throwing up my entire stomach's contents at 5 a.m. in the morning... It was the first time I drank enough to really have my head spin much less throw up! But it was an interesting experience. I would like to thank a cousin of mine who helped me through the "throwing up period"(you know who you are, if you read this of course), coz without her, grandaunt would have probably found me on the bathroom floor in the morning...hahaha.

p/s: I also found out that when I'm drunk I remember things with greater clarity, which is frightening...hehehe.

Well, till next time my fellow adventurous peeps!!! ( trying to sound hip isn't really working is it, well i guess i'll just have to keep trying) :P

fate or coincidence???

On my 21st birthday, a series of things happened prompting me to wonder if everything that happens in this world is a random event...or a pre-orchestrated series of events made to look random but actually part of the universe's divine or merely sinister plot to control our lives. Although, since it's all pre-planned, that means what happens to us has already been written in the stars so to speak. Makes you wonder if all those astrologers and psychics are in fact telling the truth to some degree.
I had a lot of fun, and even though there was no cake or the typical birthday festivities, in a way the things that happened kinda proved that I was 21. It was a collection of first's for me, so much so that i think it shocked my friends. My face is feeling hot just talking about it, LOL... Well, till next time!!!

trial and judgement

They say that we learn from experience more than anything else, but experience is also the toughest teacher. I have always been someone who makes friends easily and once you're my friend, you'll always be my friend, and no matter what kind of a rut I'm in I'll always be there for you. Recent experiences have taught me that not everyone can be your friend and that some will end up hurting you. This has taught me to be discriminatory towards who I choose to be friends with...which is a shame as I would be missing out on a lot of great friendships, and someone out there who might really need one will be losing out. I'm not being egoistic, but I'm the kind of friend that will hold on even when you let go. So, when I make friends with people who choose to violate the trust that i have in them to be honest and open with me, which is not too much to ask, I hesitate to make friends...and this is one lesson I wish experience never taught me.

I have always been a very private, introverted person, even though those who stand on the outside see me as an extrovert who enjoys life...but once you know me long enough you will realize that i give just enough for people to think of me as open and joyful and not one bit more. I keep things to myself, my problems, my worries, and my pain and it takes me a lot of courage and strength to tell someone something, after which i loathe to repeat it to them or anyone else. I also tend to analyze things with a greater intensity than others, you might say something in passing to me about the way i treated you or something you find lacking in me and forget about it in the next moment as it is so insignificant, but this insignificant remark will keep me awake days and nights, wondering if it is true, and if it was, what do I do?, what should I do? what have I done?...While you breathe easy, i drown in self doubt and guilt that shadows my every move when I'm with you and when I'm not, reminding me of how much I've hurt you and wounded your heart, while to you it was a mere tickle that was forgotten in passing. I urge you...be careful of what you say to me, because although you see a strong, confident, and secure individual, the truth is the smallest remark or gesture are what hurt me the most.

I guess being my friend is not as easy as it seems...

je t'aime...isn't that enough???

Expectations, they can pull you up or push you down. I have struggled with expectations my whole life and i believe that it is something that will never cease to be too far from my mind. The problem is, the more people expect of me the more i rebel, which just makes matters worse. There are days when i don't want to wake up, because waking up itself is an expectation put upon you by yourself or others. You are expected to be an obedient child, a supportive sibling, a good friend, a supermom, a responsible father, and the list goes on...the point is each title comes with a job description that is customized especially for you. Some thrive on the expectation that is thrust upon them, and do their very best to reach it and even exceed it, these are the people who are most likely to become powerful leaders or the suicidal maniacs who cannot accept the fact that they cannot live up to the expectation placed upon them. I don't want to do that.

I don't want people to look at me and immediately put me in a box with a lid to how much i should achieve, what i should do, and who i should be. As easy as it is to say this, doing it is a battle that needs to be waged, and soon. It's like all those statistics on probabilities of how kids from a lower income family will fare in life in general compared to those from middle and higher income families. Who are you or who am i to put a $$$ on these kids heads. Yes, you may be accurate, god forbid, but instead of creating probabilities on how they're going to end up, why do we not focus on what these kids are capable of given the right resources because when it comes down to it all, they are just like any other kid.

Parents usually are the biggest culprits in this particular area. The minute you're conceived, they have a picture in their head about the person you will become. I remember watching an interview on Oprah where Lisa Marie Presley mentioned that her mother, Priscilla Presley, had a vision in her head that she will be the daughter who goes off to live in Paris, sitting on one of those picturesque sidewalk cafe's with a multi coloured chic scarf wrapped around her neck, drinking coffee and writing poems and songs. (Ok, i exaggerated on the details, but you get the picture). Instead of having this picture in their head on what should happen to their child, imagining something like a random happy ending character they saw on tv or read in a book...way can't they just say... je t'aime, c'est tu.

I love you. That's it, all i or anyone else would ask for. Love me and trust me to be to be person i was born to be, and not the person you think i should be...isn't that enough???

a rose

Roses. Can you ever go wrong with them? I'm sorry, I love you, will you forgive me?, happy birthday!, happy anniversary, congratulations,............. As you can see, the list goes on into and endless oblivion that will blow your mind. They have become so ingrained in our daily lives that they are mere tokens of appreciation and little else of their significance is really thought about, by the giver or the receiver. Some may argue this point, but think about it. You get the rose, you inhale it's fragrance, you look at how beautiful it is and remark its loveliness. Then, where do you go from there? Well, you continue to revel in the supposed meaning of that certain person giving you that certain rose or roses...then? I guess some would say why should there be more thens? Shouldn't we be grateful and move on? Yes, of course.
Thing is, on a more personal preference, I'm not big on roses or any other kind of flowers. Everybody I know smells the rose and goes, "oh! How lovely!" I just blink and smell again, because i don't smell anything...remarkable i suppose, it's not even that fragrant! I gather that this means i have a serious problem with my nose, or people just tend to exaggerate to live up to the expectation of what they think it's suppose to smell like.
God, am I a wet blanket or what??? Anyway, it's just a thought...

Art. Is it or isn't it?

I had a lot of random thoughts today. One of them being, what is art? What makes an artist, genetics or passion? Art can be many things... A beautiful painting of the "woman with a parasol" by Monet, an ancient artifact from the Ming Dynasty, the Czarina of Russia's jewels,a statue of the greek goddess Nike(in picture), the way your heart skips a beat when you see your secret crush, the way the your hair whips your face on a windy day, the sound of crickets in the silence of the night, the way your mind wanders to far away places and times as though you're made of air, and many other things that at times seem so insignificant that we don't even notice it's existence. I mean, how many of us actually notice that the sun looks like a silver ball of light at noon or that how many stars there are in the sky? When was the last time we looked at the sky for reasons other than to ascertain whether it is likely to rain or not? Now, if art is all of these things, then that would make all of us artists. It's just that some of us are more passionate about it than others. We create art daily just by putting a smile on someone's face or with our footsteps on the sandy beaches and our slightly off key hums when we think no one's listening. Art can be both beautiful and painful, if a smile is an art then so is a tear, or dark sky that is about to empty out it's soul onto our already burdened hearts, even the mumbles of discontent that we make when we think no one's listening and at the very least our painted fingernails.

Art. It puts smiles on our faces or portrays the sadness and grief that our heart feels; it can be many things to many people. What is beautiful and artistic to me may not be the essence of art to somebody else, but as long as we acknowledge that art is akin to our emotions in that it can never be interpreted or understood completely, we will learn to to accept it for what it is and finally look at it the way all great artists do; It has a life of it's own that evolves in it's own time and evokes in people a myriad of feelings that have a revolution of their own as time goes by, and each time it shows us a different part of itself, to share and to behold. Revel in it while you can, because art like time waits for no man, and we can only be grateful that we were privileged enough to see it and to make it even.

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Prince Charming

I don't know about other people, but I've always wondered who is Prince Charming? Is he the guy you marry? Is he the guy who helps you gather your books when you drop them? Is he your first love? Is he the guy you bring home to meet your parents? OR is he simply the guy that every girl is taught to believe exists through fairy tales and movies galore. The thing is, Prince Charming is the guy that has been ingrained in our brain as the perfect guy that every other guy must live up to. Talk about setting up a guy to fail. Most of us are so focused on finding this "perfect" guy, that we forget the most important thing, perfection is not a set of rules that we must follow, rather our own perception of what we want or need in a guy. This in itself destroys the image of Prince Charming as each of us want so many different qualities in a guy, that Prince Charming would have to split himself up into a million different guys to appease each one of us.

You must be wondering what's up with me and Prince Charming? Well, a friend of mine asked me if i would marry the first guy i met, and i said yeah! if he's the right one. The thing is some of us meet that "perfect" guy that has all the qualities we want the very first time, some of us have to go through a few before we find "him". Sometimes i wonder if I'll ever meet him, and then i ask myself what would i do if i did? Spend all my time hanging around him, afraid to let go, clingy as hell...Nah!!! It's good that i'm gonna have time to discover myself, find out what's my favourite food, flower, song, colour, how i like my egg in the morning or even what i wanna do for the rest of my life, my plans and all that. I know i can't control when he comes along, but i hopes he comes when I've grown into my skin and become the person that i have been put on earth to be.

Then, the question would be how would i know he's the one? Well, that's easy. All i have to ask myself is, is this the guy the one i want tell my deepest darkest secret to and share with him my greatest fears without fear of being laughed at or belittled. OR simply, do i trust him with my heart?

Someday i will ask that question, and i hope the answer will be yes!

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*clink* the sound of champagne glasses ...

to whom it may concern,

I have many things that i have been remiss in telling you. I always said to myself that i would write you a letter, to tell you what you mean in my life and how i feel about it. I once read a quote said that my best friend is my worst enemy, and in our case it probably is true. It seems fate wants us to remain friends for a very long time, for every time we go our separate ways and drifting apart seems inevitable, we find our way back to each other one way or another. We are in some ways the polar opposites of each other and in other ways so alike, it's frightening to others. I find it comforting that we're able to fight, argue, sulk (you, pretty much all the time), and be able to get past it, since most of our fights are so bad we keep thinking, this might just be the end of it. Then, everything is fine and dandy, and things are the way they were before. It happens so fast, it leaves our heads spinning. It's confusing how each time I think I'll never talk to you again, that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, you call or I say something, and the pain and anger just fades into oblivion. It's the kind of easy relationship that I wish I had with everybody else.

You're my best friend, but you provide the anchor that keeps me in place when i start drifting away from my purpose. I on the other hand, find it hard to figure out just what I do that keeps you there when the going gets tough. Maybe I'm the balance with my crazy, whimsical, and weird personality that stops you from going into the kind of depression that you would otherwise, or maybe I'd just like to think that. It'd be nice to know that our friendship is one that is based on a give and take basis rather than a needy person who needs an outlet kind of one. Although, I believe that we do give and take and we each have something that the other needs, and that's why we're still best friends.

I guess my point is Thank You, for being my friend, helping me arrange the chairs, visiting me all those times when i was just about to start feeling abandoned and that I'd made a mistake, putting up with my nonsensical musings, understanding my moods, cooking for me, teaching me UNO, letting me in and not shutting me out look you do too almost everyone else, being honest, introducing Harry Potter to me, getting me the yellow book, that you said, the character was so like me in that i couldn't cook ( i can now :p ), and for many more things that i can't possibly finish writing or recall...but most important of all, thank you for sharing your life with me...

Let's raise our glasses, to eternity as best friends... and may we always grace our presence in the other's life so that this existence will be a little more bearable. Cheers.

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