halloween & comfort zones....

Halloween is tomorrow!!! Isn't it exciting?!?!? Me and my roomie went shopping for our costumes. She got this really cool hat, and a blazer that is a cross between mafia bad ass and super chic office lady. I got a white t-shirt and a black vest and this chain with huge white love shaped pendant of sorts.I also got black jeans to go with the outfit, now all i need to get is a white hat, which i'll get on my way to the Halloween party. Now, you see why i'm so excited!!!! It's my first halloween party and first real party like in...forever!!! Oh, by the way, don't try and figure what we're going as, coz' we don't know either! Since this is our first time, we're just gonna try and blend in...we're gonna do the whole standing out thing the next time when we have more experience with parties like this. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!!! hehehehehehehe...

Anyway, comfort zones. This is one of my many reasons for coming to NTU. I could have easily enrolled in an accounting degree course near my house at a really good college and commuted everyday from my house, but then nothing would have changed. I wanted to be able to survive without having to need my parents to lead me by hand every step of the way. Coming to NTU was supposed to help me take a step towards that direction without offending my parents (for those who don't know me...yes! i'm a mommy and daddy's golden child)...
Now, i'm doing everything on my own, and i feel really good, as in, if i were ever forced to live on my own, i know i'm capable of doing it. I feel secure now that i've proven to myself that i can do this, and i'm more confident in my own judgement and decisions. I LOVE MY LIFE!!! But not the food, and i miss my family and friends...but i still love my life and i wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

I've learnt that you truly appreciate the life you've had and the life you have once you're forced to move out of your comfort zone and adapt to a whole new life and environment. It's amazing how your perspective on life and all things connected to it changes as soon as a very tiny or a large part of you changes...You'd think we'd have more consistency than that, but i suppose that's what makes us human, the ability to absorb the change in our surroundings and use it to better our view on life...

Anyway, enough of my psychobabble, i'll post very soon to tell you what happened at the Halloween Party!!!! Tata...

revelations...chapter 1

I don't really have any updates today, but i felt it necessary to share how i feel right at this very moment.

Sheltered, protected, and nurtured...this is what i've always been all my life, and it's frustrating as well as suffocating to be bursting with dreams and plans and have someone tell you what you can and cannot do. I've realised that sometimes you need someone who's going to tell you to stop and look where you are, where you were, and where you're going because often times we are so intent on the path that we are following that we lose sight of what we were heading to in the first place and why. We become robots on a single minded path to reach where we're going, and suddenly everything becomes an obligation or a chore and we forget to look at the things that matter, the things that led us to choose the path that we're on.

I was that robot...until today. I was having a conversation, and suddenly it hit me like a slap in the face. Why did i come here? Where do i want to go? I came here because i wasn't happy with the way things were. I have friends, great best friends even, but i felt like there was always something missing...Like we were all friends simply because we were on the same path, and that when the paths diverged, we would all simply move on without caring what the others do, where they are, or even what they're doing. Is it wrong if i want more? I want friends who are my friends because they want to be, not because we are on the same path, but on a journey where out paths may or may not cross but still hold on simply because we want the others to be there for the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears, even for the little things, and do the same for them.

I had a life back then...but somehow now all of it seems phony and superficial. If you dig beneath the surface, all you find might be a gaping hole where love, mutual respect, caring, integrity and all that makes a good friendship work. Why is it that we stay with the people that hurt us or those around us? Why can we not walk away? Are we afraid that, the thing or person who hurts us, will hurt us more if we leave?

I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that i will never let anyone take me for granted, walk all over me or push me around again. Now i will make another one...I will never lower my standards or throw away my beliefs for anyone, and i will never simply tolerate. What does it mean? I am who i am, and i will not make myself lesser to accomodate others, so either they take me as i am or they increase their standards. If i feel there is something terribly wrong with the relationship i have with anyone, i will voice out my concerns insted of simply tolerating their presence and putting on a fake smile for them. I shouldn't have to, and will not do that! I will no longer be a part of the people that think one thing and say another, i have seen so many backstabbing, and i'd prefer it if you stab me in the chest. I will have it no other way...

to be who i am and know who i'm not,

to see who you are and know who you're not,

to love who i am and not who you think i am,

to love you for who you are and not who they say you are,

to be all i can be so that i can love me in my entirety,

for it is the very first step in my journey,

to have you love me for who i am,

it is a journey that you and i must take,

together so that it is a love based on truth and not perception...

i can't see you the way you see yourself...!

Wow! My last update seems ages ago... Anyway, beginning from Sunday, which is the worst day i've had in a while and i've had some pretty bad days, so trust me when i say it was a bad day. The only highlight was getting through the bad day with my dad by my side. His company had a family day at Sentosa, and the place was packed worse than sardines...I was so irritated that i took it out on him. I feel really bad about that, even after this many days i still feel like he deserved better than how i treated him. He only wanted to have a good time and he works so hard that he deserves that, and i truly was flattered that he wanted to spend it with me. I love you Dad!!!

The rest of the week went by in a blur. My second oral presentation on Monday was so bad, i forgot my script and i just felt like a complete idiot. Then there was the Shiseido beauty talk, now i know i ain't exactly pretty, but i feel really sad for those who are coz' they have to work that much harder to preserve what they have...good luck girls!!! At least i know that the guy who wants to be with me either really loves me or completely blind (he can't be after my money since i'm not exactly an heiress)... I had an accounting quiz on Wednesday which i was ill prepared for so i'm not complaining about whatever i get! I've also been doing my group IT project...trust me even a foreign language does not seem as foreign as IT does to me!!! I'm glad my group mates don't hold that against me and really let me be involved and explain to me what's going on...really patient people or maybe i'm extremely lovable!!! So much so, that you can't help but love me...Did i mention i'm a narcissist???
Finally, Thursday, the final day of class for this week. Went grocery shopping, never knew what my mom had to go through until now. Thanks Mom!!! We (my roomie and i) had so much stuff we nearly had our fingers fall off because of the wight...not to mention climbing up the stairs. As a reward for getting through the week in one piece, opened our drinks, mine raspberry rum, green apple vodka and hers thousand island (hehehehe.....no, it's Long Island). I ate sour cream and onion potato chips, grapes, chocolate biscuits and a whole frozen pizza...(i had to make my roomie eat one coz i didn't know there was 2 in one box) She says i'm going to get her fat, and she's probably right (the revolution of getting her fat has begun!!! #evil laugh#) If i were to close my eyes i know i'd fall asleep but i am intent on enjoying this day, and it's either my way or no way.

I learnt an interesting lesson today. I realised that people didn't see me the way i saw myself and people don't see themselves the way i see them. We are our own worst critics, because we see the things that others don't see, even things that are non existent. My own conclusion from evaluating myself is that we think the worst of ourselves so that when people compliment us, we thanak them but inside we tell ourselves that we have to work harder to keep up this facade we try so hard to keep on, and yet it is a facade that only exists to us and to us only. When people insult us, we don't even blink because they have no idea that we have called ourselves worse names and looked at ourselves more critically than they have. It is human nature after all to expect the worse while expecting the best from someone goes against our natural instinct simply because that would mean we have to think the best of ourselves and that is one thing we will never be able to do until the very day Expectation itself ceases to exist. Until that day, we will continue with our expectations, be they reasonable or otherwise... but if you want to fix it, you can always try therapy and self help books!!! I know some will find this extremely complex or even incoherent (i'm drunk so bear with me), but as they say even the smallest lie has some shred of truth in, so look a little deeper an longer, and you'll see what i see...

Well, that's it for now...until next time my fellow comrades!!!

the morning after...

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. The morning was an ordinary one with group projects and meetings and stuff. yesterday was also the day i did some things that i've never done before. The first one, would be the fact that i wore a skirt. Now don't get me wrong, i've worn skirt before, but never intentionally. I only wear skirts when the occasion demands it or i don't have any other options, so wearing one for no good reason other than having clothes on, is a first for me. The second one, is that i actually drank alcohol out of a bottle. Ok, i'm not really an alcohol drinking person but i am trying to get used to the idea so that i don't look like a complete idiot when i go for dinner parties and other occasions where taking a sip of alcohol is part of the norm. It is a work in progress coz' i still can't do wine because it's bitter, i mean i don't even drink coffee because it's bitter, and beer is something i will not touch if my life depended on it. So far, i've tried the margarita and i kinda like it coz' it's sour and i lurrrvvveeee sour stuff. Trust me, until you've tried eating an unripe mango dipped in salt and lime juice...heavenly! You have not experienced life. Sorry digressing, yesterday i tried a bacardi rum with ruby grapefruit flavouring and i liked it but i preferred the lime flavoured one(you know why). It was interesting because i drank it from the bottle and it wasn't that bad, plus it's not something i'm gonna do often. After those two bottles, i came back and slept like a baby. Surprisingly, i woke up incredibly refreshed and sans headache. I am curious though, i don't my tolerance level towards alcohol and i don't think i wanna find ou, but it would be an interesting experiment wouldn't it. I'll probably do it when my roomie's around so that she can save me from doing lord know's what since i'v never been drunk before or even close to it.

The last first thing i did is not the most interesting or the most bizarre, or for that matter not a most anything. For the first time in my life, i slept alone by myself with no one else around, not even near. It was an amazing experience for me because it proved to me that i can be alone and survive because i've always felt that i can't survive without people around. It's given me the last part of independence that i sorely needed to complete my break from being my daddy's little girl. I always will be their little girl, but i won't be the little girl that needs them for every little thing. It's almost melancholic isn't it, coz' one it's done, there's no way back.

Anyway, that's it for today...Need to go hunt for food. bye!!!

LiFe aFTer OnE yEAr........

I'm back!!! It's been one year and a lot has changed during this long but short time. Let's start from the beginning shall we. I got into NTU, it's been 3 months already into my accounting degree course. I'm already grabbing for a life line of some sort. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard but i like it, in a self mutilation kinda way. I've never been in a situation where i've had to handle everything on my own and live independently, so to speak. This has definitely shown me what i'm made of and that i am capable of surviving when put in a completely foreign element. I kinda like living on my own, makes me feel...alive. When i was spoiled and pampered all my life, i went through life in a daze coz' i knew someone's gonna be there to catch me if i fall, but in this life everyday is a brand new chance for me to screw up, fail miserably, destroy my life and no one's gonna be there to catch me if i fall. This was when i realised the truth about the saying that you feel most alive when you're closest to death. I do have a morbid preoccupation with death don't i? I don't even know where it comes from.

Now, after all that crapping, let me get a little more specific with my current life. Note: After this post, i won't be explaining what i'm talking bout', you either get it or you don't. Well, i have a roomie...Hi Roomie!!! I'm not going to disclose her name coz' she's very touchy about blogs...hehehehe. Thankfully she happens to be almost as crazy as i am if not worse. Poor thing, she still hasn't a clue what she's gotten herself into and i don't want to be the one to tell her that she's stuck with a psychopath who has an obssession about serial killers!!! I feel an evil laugh coming, but i'm suppressing it...don't wanna wake her up. Besides that, my first semester is pretty nice as far as friends go, i've met some really cool people. The subjects themselves are another deal all together, coz' keeping up is like running after a plane that's already taken off into the air.

I feel the need for a poem, and i found one a while ago which i really love. So enjoy!

p/s: i like the part in red

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was odd,
because it was The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done --
'It's very rude of him.' she said,
'To come and spoil the fun!'

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand:
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:'
If this were only cleared away,
'They said, 'it would be grand.'

'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
'That they could get it clear?''
l doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

'O Oysters, come and walk with us!
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head --
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

Out four young Oysters hurried up.
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat --
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more --
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'

'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!
''No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed --
Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'

'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!
''The night is fine,' the Walrus said,
'Do you admire the view?'

'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!
'The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice-
I wish you were not quite so deaf-
I've had to ask you twice!'

'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
'To play them such a trick.
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!
'The Carpenter said nothing but
'The butter's spread too thick!'

'I weep for you,'the Walrus said:
'I deeply sympathize.
'With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?
'But answer came there none --
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.