trial and judgement

They say that we learn from experience more than anything else, but experience is also the toughest teacher. I have always been someone who makes friends easily and once you're my friend, you'll always be my friend, and no matter what kind of a rut I'm in I'll always be there for you. Recent experiences have taught me that not everyone can be your friend and that some will end up hurting you. This has taught me to be discriminatory towards who I choose to be friends with...which is a shame as I would be missing out on a lot of great friendships, and someone out there who might really need one will be losing out. I'm not being egoistic, but I'm the kind of friend that will hold on even when you let go. So, when I make friends with people who choose to violate the trust that i have in them to be honest and open with me, which is not too much to ask, I hesitate to make friends...and this is one lesson I wish experience never taught me.

I have always been a very private, introverted person, even though those who stand on the outside see me as an extrovert who enjoys life...but once you know me long enough you will realize that i give just enough for people to think of me as open and joyful and not one bit more. I keep things to myself, my problems, my worries, and my pain and it takes me a lot of courage and strength to tell someone something, after which i loathe to repeat it to them or anyone else. I also tend to analyze things with a greater intensity than others, you might say something in passing to me about the way i treated you or something you find lacking in me and forget about it in the next moment as it is so insignificant, but this insignificant remark will keep me awake days and nights, wondering if it is true, and if it was, what do I do?, what should I do? what have I done?...While you breathe easy, i drown in self doubt and guilt that shadows my every move when I'm with you and when I'm not, reminding me of how much I've hurt you and wounded your heart, while to you it was a mere tickle that was forgotten in passing. I urge you...be careful of what you say to me, because although you see a strong, confident, and secure individual, the truth is the smallest remark or gesture are what hurt me the most.

I guess being my friend is not as easy as it seems...

je t'aime...isn't that enough???

Expectations, they can pull you up or push you down. I have struggled with expectations my whole life and i believe that it is something that will never cease to be too far from my mind. The problem is, the more people expect of me the more i rebel, which just makes matters worse. There are days when i don't want to wake up, because waking up itself is an expectation put upon you by yourself or others. You are expected to be an obedient child, a supportive sibling, a good friend, a supermom, a responsible father, and the list goes on...the point is each title comes with a job description that is customized especially for you. Some thrive on the expectation that is thrust upon them, and do their very best to reach it and even exceed it, these are the people who are most likely to become powerful leaders or the suicidal maniacs who cannot accept the fact that they cannot live up to the expectation placed upon them. I don't want to do that.

I don't want people to look at me and immediately put me in a box with a lid to how much i should achieve, what i should do, and who i should be. As easy as it is to say this, doing it is a battle that needs to be waged, and soon. It's like all those statistics on probabilities of how kids from a lower income family will fare in life in general compared to those from middle and higher income families. Who are you or who am i to put a $$$ on these kids heads. Yes, you may be accurate, god forbid, but instead of creating probabilities on how they're going to end up, why do we not focus on what these kids are capable of given the right resources because when it comes down to it all, they are just like any other kid.

Parents usually are the biggest culprits in this particular area. The minute you're conceived, they have a picture in their head about the person you will become. I remember watching an interview on Oprah where Lisa Marie Presley mentioned that her mother, Priscilla Presley, had a vision in her head that she will be the daughter who goes off to live in Paris, sitting on one of those picturesque sidewalk cafe's with a multi coloured chic scarf wrapped around her neck, drinking coffee and writing poems and songs. (Ok, i exaggerated on the details, but you get the picture). Instead of having this picture in their head on what should happen to their child, imagining something like a random happy ending character they saw on tv or read in a book...way can't they just say... je t'aime, c'est tu.

I love you. That's it, all i or anyone else would ask for. Love me and trust me to be to be person i was born to be, and not the person you think i should be...isn't that enough???

a rose

Roses. Can you ever go wrong with them? I'm sorry, I love you, will you forgive me?, happy birthday!, happy anniversary, congratulations,............. As you can see, the list goes on into and endless oblivion that will blow your mind. They have become so ingrained in our daily lives that they are mere tokens of appreciation and little else of their significance is really thought about, by the giver or the receiver. Some may argue this point, but think about it. You get the rose, you inhale it's fragrance, you look at how beautiful it is and remark its loveliness. Then, where do you go from there? Well, you continue to revel in the supposed meaning of that certain person giving you that certain rose or roses...then? I guess some would say why should there be more thens? Shouldn't we be grateful and move on? Yes, of course.
Thing is, on a more personal preference, I'm not big on roses or any other kind of flowers. Everybody I know smells the rose and goes, "oh! How lovely!" I just blink and smell again, because i don't smell anything...remarkable i suppose, it's not even that fragrant! I gather that this means i have a serious problem with my nose, or people just tend to exaggerate to live up to the expectation of what they think it's suppose to smell like.
God, am I a wet blanket or what??? Anyway, it's just a thought...