SouL oF a DeAd PoEt

where's my heart?

2008-09-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

This week was supposed to be my break week...a week where you relax, unwind, and catch up with yourself. Me? Noooooo, i spent time catching up with projects and studying and quizzes...the list is endless.
Thing is, sometimes you get so caught up with all these things that's going on in your life that you forget to stop and look. I'm not talking about smelling the roses or staring at the clouds...but just look. I did, and I didn't like what I saw. All my friends went home to spend time with their families, and I insisted on staying here because of my truckload of work. It's easy, all I had to do was set some days aside and say I'm gonna spend some time with my family, but somehow I came to the conclusion that completing all these mundane tasks would fulfil my "needs". Somewhere along the line I lost track of my priorities. My brother is home for the week and I haven't seen him for the longest time...I want to so badly that my heart is breaking. My parents, I've been here for more than a year and they still call me multiple times a day...which annoys me to no end, and yet when they don't it's a void I find difficult to fill. My sister? Oh god, how I hate her...and yet when I'm not with her is when I miss her smile and the fighting the most.
I suppose my message today is simple, you don't and won't know what you have until you get a glimpse of what life is like once it's gone. I've made up my mind that I'm going to go see them soon, hopefully soon is soon... Although I tell this to myself all the time, today is the first time I've realised just how big a place these 4 people hold in my heart. At first i thought I was just missing my friends, since they're all gone, but it wasn't just that. It's this. Too bad, I come from a family that doesn't really express affection verbally, I can never tell them just how much I love them. I remember this one instance when I first came here, I was so incredibly homesick, that while I was talking to my mother on the phone I was sobbing, but she had no clue. Some might think what's so difficult about admitting that you're homesick? But see, that wasn't the issue. My mother had never been away from me for more than a couple of weeks, and even then I was with relatives. I found out from my father that she had trouble sleeping at night and was constantly worried about me, if I let her in on the fact that I was crying, I know for a fact that that she would cry herself to sleep until the next time she saw me. My dad? He calls me constantly, not to check up on me (he could care less if I'm playing tonsil hockey with some guy, which I'm not...but just to hear my voice) and threatens me to eat, as if that would somehow magically make us closer. I guess that's how Indian parents express love, since my mom does it everytime too. Sometimes I feel like I have an unhealthy bond with my parents, I mean how many of us can say, at this very moment, that out parents would die if that was what it took for us to be happy? I know I'm being melodramatic, but I can.
This is turning out to be a really long post, so where's my heart? It's not with some guy I met or something like that. It's with these 4 insignificant people, and the best part is I know they will never break it. Maybe someday when a guy comes along, he'll be smart enough to ask a small piece from them, and these "gatekeepers" as I call them will be the ones to determine if he can join them and keep guard over my fragile heart as I keep guard over a piece of each of theirs...and his too. :P

weekend happenings...

2008-09-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I decided to sort of pay back one my cousins by helping her be a tour guide to some of my other cousins who were in Singapore for the first time...I was sooo exhausted from just coming back from Singapore Friday night and having to go back again on Saturday morning. Those of you whom have traveled back and forth know how tiring it is. It turned out to be one of my best and worst experiences to date. Now those of you who read my blog (1 person, occasionally, which would be me) know that I usually don't go into details, but just this once I might indulge.
Basically the sight seeing wasn't much, all I can remember is the amount of walking we had to do...my legs hurt sooo bad!!! Oh, and I got some really cool stuff from this 3 for $10 shop, and now I'm trying to figure out why I bought them...which is what I always do. The crux of me wanting to delve into the details is what happened on Saturday night. Now, for those that know me, you know that I have OCD, so I always do things a certain away and I never steer to far away from it. For the first time in my whole history of having alcoholic drinks, for a lack of a better term...I drank with people other than my 4 friends. This might not be a big deal to some but to me, breaking tradition takes a lot of strength.
Oh, and I like Vodka because it doesn't have any taste, so when I realised that once you mix it with juice, it tastes like well, juice, I drank and drank and didn't really know my limit... Which was how I ended up throwing up my entire stomach's contents at 5 a.m. in the morning... It was the first time I drank enough to really have my head spin much less throw up! But it was an interesting experience. I would like to thank a cousin of mine who helped me through the "throwing up period"(you know who you are, if you read this of course), coz without her, grandaunt would have probably found me on the bathroom floor in the morning...hahaha.

p/s: I also found out that when I'm drunk I remember things with greater clarity, which is frightening...hehehe.

Well, till next time my fellow adventurous peeps!!! ( trying to sound hip isn't really working is it, well i guess i'll just have to keep trying) :P

fate or coincidence???

2008-09-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

On my 21st birthday, a series of things happened prompting me to wonder if everything that happens in this world is a random event...or a pre-orchestrated series of events made to look random but actually part of the universe's divine or merely sinister plot to control our lives. Although, since it's all pre-planned, that means what happens to us has already been written in the stars so to speak. Makes you wonder if all those astrologers and psychics are in fact telling the truth to some degree.
I had a lot of fun, and even though there was no cake or the typical birthday festivities, in a way the things that happened kinda proved that I was 21. It was a collection of first's for me, so much so that i think it shocked my friends. My face is feeling hot just talking about it, LOL... Well, till next time!!!

trial and judgement

2008-03-31T00:39:00.001-07:00

They say that we learn from experience more than anything else, but experience is also the toughest teacher. I have always been someone who makes friends easily and once you're my friend, you'll always be my friend, and no matter what kind of a rut I'm in I'll always be there for you. Recent experiences have taught me that not everyone can be your friend and that some will end up hurting you. This has taught me to be discriminatory towards who I choose to be friends with...which is a shame as I would be missing out on a lot of great friendships, and someone out there who might really need one will be losing out. I'm not being egoistic, but I'm the kind of friend that will hold on even when you let go. So, when I make friends with people who choose to violate the trust that i have in them to be honest and open with me, which is not too much to ask, I hesitate to make friends...and this is one lesson I wish experience never taught me.

I have always been a very private, introverted person, even though those who stand on the outside see me as an extrovert who enjoys life...but once you know me long enough you will realize that i give just enough for people to think of me as open and joyful and not one bit more. I keep things to myself, my problems, my worries, and my pain and it takes me a lot of courage and strength to tell someone something, after which i loathe to repeat it to them or anyone else. I also tend to analyze things with a greater intensity than others, you might say something in passing to me about the way i treated you or something you find lacking in me and forget about it in the next moment as it is so insignificant, but this insignificant remark will keep me awake days and nights, wondering if it is true, and if it was, what do I do?, what should I do? what have I done?...While you breathe easy, i drown in self doubt and guilt that shadows my every move when I'm with you and when I'm not, reminding me of how much I've hurt you and wounded your heart, while to you it was a mere tickle that was forgotten in passing. I urge you...be careful of what you say to me, because although you see a strong, confident, and secure individual, the truth is the smallest remark or gesture are what hurt me the most.

I guess being my friend is not as easy as it seems...

je t'aime...isn't that enough???

2008-03-20T09:05:00.001-07:00

Expectations, they can pull you up or push you down. I have struggled with expectations my whole life and i believe that it is something that will never cease to be too far from my mind. The problem is, the more people expect of me the more i rebel, which just makes matters worse. There are days when i don't want to wake up, because waking up itself is an expectation put upon you by yourself or others. You are expected to be an obedient child, a supportive sibling, a good friend, a supermom, a responsible father, and the list goes on...the point is each title comes with a job description that is customized especially for you. Some thrive on the expectation that is thrust upon them, and do their very best to reach it and even exceed it, these are the people who are most likely to become powerful leaders or the suicidal maniacs who cannot accept the fact that they cannot live up to the expectation placed upon them. I don't want to do that.

I don't want people to look at me and immediately put me in a box with a lid to how much i should achieve, what i should do, and who i should be. As easy as it is to say this, doing it is a battle that needs to be waged, and soon. It's like all those statistics on probabilities of how kids from a lower income family will fare in life in general compared to those from middle and higher income families. Who are you or who am i to put a $$$ on these kids heads. Yes, you may be accurate, god forbid, but instead of creating probabilities on how they're going to end up, why do we not focus on what these kids are capable of given the right resources because when it comes down to it all, they are just like any other kid.

Parents usually are the biggest culprits in this particular area. The minute you're conceived, they have a picture in their head about the person you will become. I remember watching an interview on Oprah where Lisa Marie Presley mentioned that her mother, Priscilla Presley, had a vision in her head that she will be the daughter who goes off to live in Paris, sitting on one of those picturesque sidewalk cafe's with a multi coloured chic scarf wrapped around her neck, drinking coffee and writing poems and songs. (Ok, i exaggerated on the details, but you get the picture). Instead of having this picture in their head on what should happen to their child, imagining something like a random happy ending character they saw on tv or read in a book...way can't they just say... je t'aime, c'est tu.

I love you. That's it, all i or anyone else would ask for. Love me and trust me to be to be person i was born to be, and not the person you think i should be...isn't that enough???

a rose

2008-03-20T08:27:00.001-07:00

Roses. Can you ever go wrong with them? I'm sorry, I love you, will you forgive me?, happy birthday!, happy anniversary, congratulations,............. As you can see, the list goes on into and endless oblivion that will blow your mind. They have become so ingrained in our daily lives that they are mere tokens of appreciation and little else of their significance is really thought about, by the giver or the receiver. Some may argue this point, but think about it. You get the rose, you inhale it's fragrance, you look at how beautiful it is and remark its loveliness. Then, where do you go from there? Well, you continue to revel in the supposed meaning of that certain person giving you that certain rose or roses...then? I guess some would say why should there be more thens? Shouldn't we be grateful and move on? Yes, of course.
Thing is, on a more personal preference, I'm not big on roses or any other kind of flowers. Everybody I know smells the rose and goes, "oh! How lovely!" I just blink and smell again, because i don't smell anything...remarkable i suppose, it's not even that fragrant! I gather that this means i have a serious problem with my nose, or people just tend to exaggerate to live up to the expectation of what they think it's suppose to smell like.
God, am I a wet blanket or what??? Anyway, it's just a thought...

Art. Is it or isn't it?

2008-01-22T06:46:00.001-08:00

I had a lot of random thoughts today. One of them being, what is art? What makes an artist, genetics or passion? Art can be many things... A beautiful painting of the "woman with a parasol" by Monet, an ancient artifact from the Ming Dynasty, the Czarina of Russia's jewels,a statue of the greek goddess Nike(in picture), the way your heart skips a beat when you see your secret crush, the way the your hair whips your face on a windy day, the sound of crickets in the silence of the night, the way your mind wanders to far away places and times as though you're made of air, and many other things that at times seem so insignificant that we don't even notice it's existence. I mean, how many of us actually notice that the sun looks like a silver ball of light at noon or that how many stars there are in the sky? When was the last time we looked at the sky for reasons other than to ascertain whether it is likely to rain or not? Now, if art is all of these things, then that would make all of us artists. It's just that some of us are more passionate about it than others. We create art daily just by putting a smile on someone's face or with our footsteps on the sandy beaches and our slightly off key hums when we think no one's listening. Art can be both beautiful and painful, if a smile is an art then so is a tear, or dark sky that is about to empty out it's soul onto our already burdened hearts, even the mumbles of discontent that we make when we think no one's listening and at the very least our painted fingernails.

Art. It puts smiles on our faces or portrays the sadness and grief that our heart feels; it can be many things to many people. What is beautiful and artistic to me may not be the essence of art to somebody else, but as long as we acknowledge that art is akin to our emotions in that it can never be interpreted or understood completely, we will learn to to accept it for what it is and finally look at it the way all great artists do; It has a life of it's own that evolves in it's own time and evokes in people a myriad of feelings that have a revolution of their own as time goes by, and each time it shows us a different part of itself, to share and to behold. Revel in it while you can, because art like time waits for no man, and we can only be grateful that we were privileged enough to see it and to make it even.

Prince Charming

2008-01-16T08:09:00.001-08:00

I don't know about other people, but I've always wondered who is Prince Charming? Is he the guy you marry? Is he the guy who helps you gather your books when you drop them? Is he your first love? Is he the guy you bring home to meet your parents? OR is he simply the guy that every girl is taught to believe exists through fairy tales and movies galore. The thing is, Prince Charming is the guy that has been ingrained in our brain as the perfect guy that every other guy must live up to. Talk about setting up a guy to fail. Most of us are so focused on finding this "perfect" guy, that we forget the most important thing, perfection is not a set of rules that we must follow, rather our own perception of what we want or need in a guy. This in itself destroys the image of Prince Charming as each of us want so many different qualities in a guy, that Prince Charming would have to split himself up into a million different guys to appease each one of us.

You must be wondering what's up with me and Prince Charming? Well, a friend of mine asked me if i would marry the first guy i met, and i said yeah! if he's the right one. The thing is some of us meet that "perfect" guy that has all the qualities we want the very first time, some of us have to go through a few before we find "him". Sometimes i wonder if I'll ever meet him, and then i ask myself what would i do if i did? Spend all my time hanging around him, afraid to let go, clingy as hell...Nah!!! It's good that i'm gonna have time to discover myself, find out what's my favourite food, flower, song, colour, how i like my egg in the morning or even what i wanna do for the rest of my life, my plans and all that. I know i can't control when he comes along, but i hopes he comes when I've grown into my skin and become the person that i have been put on earth to be.

Then, the question would be how would i know he's the one? Well, that's easy. All i have to ask myself is, is this the guy the one i want tell my deepest darkest secret to and share with him my greatest fears without fear of being laughed at or belittled. OR simply, do i trust him with my heart?

Someday i will ask that question, and i hope the answer will be yes!

clink the sound of champagne glasses ...

2007-11-24T22:09:00.001-08:00

to whom it may concern,

I have many things that i have been remiss in telling you. I always said to myself that i would write you a letter, to tell you what you mean in my life and how i feel about it. I once read a quote said that my best friend is my worst enemy, and in our case it probably is true. It seems fate wants us to remain friends for a very long time, for every time we go our separate ways and drifting apart seems inevitable, we find our way back to each other one way or another. We are in some ways the polar opposites of each other and in other ways so alike, it's frightening to others. I find it comforting that we're able to fight, argue, sulk (you, pretty much all the time), and be able to get past it, since most of our fights are so bad we keep thinking, this might just be the end of it. Then, everything is fine and dandy, and things are the way they were before. It happens so fast, it leaves our heads spinning. It's confusing how each time I think I'll never talk to you again, that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, you call or I say something, and the pain and anger just fades into oblivion. It's the kind of easy relationship that I wish I had with everybody else.

You're my best friend, but you provide the anchor that keeps me in place when i start drifting away from my purpose. I on the other hand, find it hard to figure out just what I do that keeps you there when the going gets tough. Maybe I'm the balance with my crazy, whimsical, and weird personality that stops you from going into the kind of depression that you would otherwise, or maybe I'd just like to think that. It'd be nice to know that our friendship is one that is based on a give and take basis rather than a needy person who needs an outlet kind of one. Although, I believe that we do give and take and we each have something that the other needs, and that's why we're still best friends.

I guess my point is Thank You, for being my friend, helping me arrange the chairs, visiting me all those times when i was just about to start feeling abandoned and that I'd made a mistake, putting up with my nonsensical musings, understanding my moods, cooking for me, teaching me UNO, letting me in and not shutting me out look you do too almost everyone else, being honest, introducing Harry Potter to me, getting me the yellow book, that you said, the character was so like me in that i couldn't cook ( i can now :p ), and for many more things that i can't possibly finish writing or recall...but most important of all, thank you for sharing your life with me...

Let's raise our glasses, to eternity as best friends... and may we always grace our presence in the other's life so that this existence will be a little more bearable. Cheers.

a pattern of self hatred

2007-11-22T09:48:00.001-08:00

i wish that the world would look at people for who they are instead of what they are, but then I'd have to do that first. We always think, oh! i wouldn't judge someone by the colour of their skin or their physical features, or even the colour of their shoes. The truth is....we all do, and we are born and raised in this world where it has become almost second nature to judge someone without getting to know them. I sit here, and i think, not too hard, and i can recall several times a day where i would look at someone and judge them...it is painful to admit that i am one of those hypocrites that i so severely abhor, and yet it would be an even bigger hypocracy to not do so. What am i going to do about it? Stop completely would be the first answer that comes to mind but if i were to say that, i would be lying and it wouldn't be possible, not immediately anyway. It has become such a huge part of our nature, that most of the times we do it, it's subconscious and we never even notice it. I suppose one thing i could do is just be more self aware, filter my thoughts...do all those things, and maybe just maybe I'll be able to do it. Till, then you're just gonna have to bear with this hypocritical, judgmental, and self serving evil of a person...

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the after party!!!

2007-11-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hi, would have done this sooner but i was too exhausted. The Halloween party was the bomb!! I loved it so much, we danced, took pics and just had tons of fun...When we first got there, we felt so out of place with no where to go and not knowing anyone except the three of us (Bernice, Nisha, and Me). So, we just stood there with our huge jug of coke, drinking and taking pics. Then a guy came and decided to take pics with us, then he invited us to the VIP area where we had a place to sit and get our bearings back. Then we finished drinking our first jug, and continued to get our 2nd one. After which we moved to the dance floor to let loose a little. It was probably the funniest thing. Someone dancing with Nisha and tried talking to her instead of dancing, and the construction worker who tried to get frisky with Bernice and Nisha, i guess it helps that he was really cute... Then it was time for us to go back and we decided to follow this bunch of guys and find a cab to go back to hostel. Worst decision of the night, they were so drunk and when we did find a cab, they got in first and left instead of doing the gentlemanly thing. Thank God though, lord knows where we would've ended up if we followed them...Since they didn't even seem to know where they were going. Hahahahaha... It was one of the best times we've had since coming to S'pore, and we only reached back at 5 a.m. and slept through both of my tutorials and woke up at 12.30 p.m. Trust me it was well worth it...

halloween & comfort zones....

2007-10-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

Halloween is tomorrow!!! Isn't it exciting?!?!? Me and my roomie went shopping for our costumes. She got this really cool hat, and a blazer that is a cross between mafia bad ass and super chic office lady. I got a white t-shirt and a black vest and this chain with huge white love shaped pendant of sorts.I also got black jeans to go with the outfit, now all i need to get is a white hat, which i'll get on my way to the Halloween party. Now, you see why i'm so excited!!!! It's my first halloween party and first real party like in...forever!!! Oh, by the way, don't try and figure what we're going as, coz' we don't know either! Since this is our first time, we're just gonna try and blend in...we're gonna do the whole standing out thing the next time when we have more experience with parties like this. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!!! hehehehehehehe...

Anyway, comfort zones. This is one of my many reasons for coming to NTU. I could have easily enrolled in an accounting degree course near my house at a really good college and commuted everyday from my house, but then nothing would have changed. I wanted to be able to survive without having to need my parents to lead me by hand every step of the way. Coming to NTU was supposed to help me take a step towards that direction without offending my parents (for those who don't know me...yes! i'm a mommy and daddy's golden child)...
Now, i'm doing everything on my own, and i feel really good, as in, if i were ever forced to live on my own, i know i'm capable of doing it. I feel secure now that i've proven to myself that i can do this, and i'm more confident in my own judgement and decisions. I LOVE MY LIFE!!! But not the food, and i miss my family and friends...but i still love my life and i wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

I've learnt that you truly appreciate the life you've had and the life you have once you're forced to move out of your comfort zone and adapt to a whole new life and environment. It's amazing how your perspective on life and all things connected to it changes as soon as a very tiny or a large part of you changes...You'd think we'd have more consistency than that, but i suppose that's what makes us human, the ability to absorb the change in our surroundings and use it to better our view on life...

Anyway, enough of my psychobabble, i'll post very soon to tell you what happened at the Halloween Party!!!! Tata...

revelations...chapter 1

2007-10-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

I don't really have any updates today, but i felt it necessary to share how i feel right at this very moment.

Sheltered, protected, and nurtured...this is what i've always been all my life, and it's frustrating as well as suffocating to be bursting with dreams and plans and have someone tell you what you can and cannot do. I've realised that sometimes you need someone who's going to tell you to stop and look where you are, where you were, and where you're going because often times we are so intent on the path that we are following that we lose sight of what we were heading to in the first place and why. We become robots on a single minded path to reach where we're going, and suddenly everything becomes an obligation or a chore and we forget to look at the things that matter, the things that led us to choose the path that we're on.

I was that robot...until today. I was having a conversation, and suddenly it hit me like a slap in the face. Why did i come here? Where do i want to go? I came here because i wasn't happy with the way things were. I have friends, great best friends even, but i felt like there was always something missing...Like we were all friends simply because we were on the same path, and that when the paths diverged, we would all simply move on without caring what the others do, where they are, or even what they're doing. Is it wrong if i want more? I want friends who are my friends because they want to be, not because we are on the same path, but on a journey where out paths may or may not cross but still hold on simply because we want the others to be there for the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears, even for the little things, and do the same for them.

I had a life back then...but somehow now all of it seems phony and superficial. If you dig beneath the surface, all you find might be a gaping hole where love, mutual respect, caring, integrity and all that makes a good friendship work. Why is it that we stay with the people that hurt us or those around us? Why can we not walk away? Are we afraid that, the thing or person who hurts us, will hurt us more if we leave?

I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that i will never let anyone take me for granted, walk all over me or push me around again. Now i will make another one...I will never lower my standards or throw away my beliefs for anyone, and i will never simply tolerate. What does it mean? I am who i am, and i will not make myself lesser to accomodate others, so either they take me as i am or they increase their standards. If i feel there is something terribly wrong with the relationship i have with anyone, i will voice out my concerns insted of simply tolerating their presence and putting on a fake smile for them. I shouldn't have to, and will not do that! I will no longer be a part of the people that think one thing and say another, i have seen so many backstabbing, and i'd prefer it if you stab me in the chest. I will have it no other way...

to be who i am and know who i'm not,

to see who you are and know who you're not,

to love who i am and not who you think i am,

to love you for who you are and not who they say you are,

to be all i can be so that i can love me in my entirety,

for it is the very first step in my journey,

to have you love me for who i am,

it is a journey that you and i must take,

together so that it is a love based on truth and not perception...

i can't see you the way you see yourself...!

2007-10-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

Wow! My last update seems ages ago... Anyway, beginning from Sunday, which is the worst day i've had in a while and i've had some pretty bad days, so trust me when i say it was a bad day. The only highlight was getting through the bad day with my dad by my side. His company had a family day at Sentosa, and the place was packed worse than sardines...I was so irritated that i took it out on him. I feel really bad about that, even after this many days i still feel like he deserved better than how i treated him. He only wanted to have a good time and he works so hard that he deserves that, and i truly was flattered that he wanted to spend it with me. I love you Dad!!!

The rest of the week went by in a blur. My second oral presentation on Monday was so bad, i forgot my script and i just felt like a complete idiot. Then there was the Shiseido beauty talk, now i know i ain't exactly pretty, but i feel really sad for those who are coz' they have to work that much harder to preserve what they have...good luck girls!!! At least i know that the guy who wants to be with me either really loves me or completely blind (he can't be after my money since i'm not exactly an heiress)... I had an accounting quiz on Wednesday which i was ill prepared for so i'm not complaining about whatever i get! I've also been doing my group IT project...trust me even a foreign language does not seem as foreign as IT does to me!!! I'm glad my group mates don't hold that against me and really let me be involved and explain to me what's going on...really patient people or maybe i'm extremely lovable!!! So much so, that you can't help but love me...Did i mention i'm a narcissist???
Finally, Thursday, the final day of class for this week. Went grocery shopping, never knew what my mom had to go through until now. Thanks Mom!!! We (my roomie and i) had so much stuff we nearly had our fingers fall off because of the wight...not to mention climbing up the stairs. As a reward for getting through the week in one piece, opened our drinks, mine raspberry rum, green apple vodka and hers thousand island (hehehehe.....no, it's Long Island). I ate sour cream and onion potato chips, grapes, chocolate biscuits and a whole frozen pizza...(i had to make my roomie eat one coz i didn't know there was 2 in one box) She says i'm going to get her fat, and she's probably right (the revolution of getting her fat has begun!!! #evil laugh#) If i were to close my eyes i know i'd fall asleep but i am intent on enjoying this day, and it's either my way or no way.

I learnt an interesting lesson today. I realised that people didn't see me the way i saw myself and people don't see themselves the way i see them. We are our own worst critics, because we see the things that others don't see, even things that are non existent. My own conclusion from evaluating myself is that we think the worst of ourselves so that when people compliment us, we thanak them but inside we tell ourselves that we have to work harder to keep up this facade we try so hard to keep on, and yet it is a facade that only exists to us and to us only. When people insult us, we don't even blink because they have no idea that we have called ourselves worse names and looked at ourselves more critically than they have. It is human nature after all to expect the worse while expecting the best from someone goes against our natural instinct simply because that would mean we have to think the best of ourselves and that is one thing we will never be able to do until the very day Expectation itself ceases to exist. Until that day, we will continue with our expectations, be they reasonable or otherwise... but if you want to fix it, you can always try therapy and self help books!!! I know some will find this extremely complex or even incoherent (i'm drunk so bear with me), but as they say even the smallest lie has some shred of truth in, so look a little deeper an longer, and you'll see what i see...

Well, that's it for now...until next time my fellow comrades!!!

the morning after...

2007-10-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. The morning was an ordinary one with group projects and meetings and stuff. yesterday was also the day i did some things that i've never done before. The first one, would be the fact that i wore a skirt. Now don't get me wrong, i've worn skirt before, but never intentionally. I only wear skirts when the occasion demands it or i don't have any other options, so wearing one for no good reason other than having clothes on, is a first for me. The second one, is that i actually drank alcohol out of a bottle. Ok, i'm not really an alcohol drinking person but i am trying to get used to the idea so that i don't look like a complete idiot when i go for dinner parties and other occasions where taking a sip of alcohol is part of the norm. It is a work in progress coz' i still can't do wine because it's bitter, i mean i don't even drink coffee because it's bitter, and beer is something i will not touch if my life depended on it. So far, i've tried the margarita and i kinda like it coz' it's sour and i lurrrvvveeee sour stuff. Trust me, until you've tried eating an unripe mango dipped in salt and lime juice...heavenly! You have not experienced life. Sorry digressing, yesterday i tried a bacardi rum with ruby grapefruit flavouring and i liked it but i preferred the lime flavoured one(you know why). It was interesting because i drank it from the bottle and it wasn't that bad, plus it's not something i'm gonna do often. After those two bottles, i came back and slept like a baby. Surprisingly, i woke up incredibly refreshed and sans headache. I am curious though, i don't my tolerance level towards alcohol and i don't think i wanna find ou, but it would be an interesting experiment wouldn't it. I'll probably do it when my roomie's around so that she can save me from doing lord know's what since i'v never been drunk before or even close to it.

The last first thing i did is not the most interesting or the most bizarre, or for that matter not a most anything. For the first time in my life, i slept alone by myself with no one else around, not even near. It was an amazing experience for me because it proved to me that i can be alone and survive because i've always felt that i can't survive without people around. It's given me the last part of independence that i sorely needed to complete my break from being my daddy's little girl. I always will be their little girl, but i won't be the little girl that needs them for every little thing. It's almost melancholic isn't it, coz' one it's done, there's no way back.

Anyway, that's it for today...Need to go hunt for food. bye!!!

LiFe aFTer OnE yEAr........

2007-10-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back!!! It's been one year and a lot has changed during this long but short time. Let's start from the beginning shall we. I got into NTU, it's been 3 months already into my accounting degree course. I'm already grabbing for a life line of some sort. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard but i like it, in a self mutilation kinda way. I've never been in a situation where i've had to handle everything on my own and live independently, so to speak. This has definitely shown me what i'm made of and that i am capable of surviving when put in a completely foreign element. I kinda like living on my own, makes me feel...alive. When i was spoiled and pampered all my life, i went through life in a daze coz' i knew someone's gonna be there to catch me if i fall, but in this life everyday is a brand new chance for me to screw up, fail miserably, destroy my life and no one's gonna be there to catch me if i fall. This was when i realised the truth about the saying that you feel most alive when you're closest to death. I do have a morbid preoccupation with death don't i? I don't even know where it comes from.

Now, after all that crapping, let me get a little more specific with my current life. Note: After this post, i won't be explaining what i'm talking bout', you either get it or you don't. Well, i have a roomie...Hi Roomie!!! I'm not going to disclose her name coz' she's very touchy about blogs...hehehehe. Thankfully she happens to be almost as crazy as i am if not worse. Poor thing, she still hasn't a clue what she's gotten herself into and i don't want to be the one to tell her that she's stuck with a psychopath who has an obssession about serial killers!!! I feel an evil laugh coming, but i'm suppressing it...don't wanna wake her up. Besides that, my first semester is pretty nice as far as friends go, i've met some really cool people. The subjects themselves are another deal all together, coz' keeping up is like running after a plane that's already taken off into the air.

I feel the need for a poem, and i found one a while ago which i really love. So enjoy!

p/s: i like the part in red

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was odd,
because it was The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done --
'It's very rude of him.' she said,
'To come and spoil the fun!'

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand:
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:'
If this were only cleared away,
'They said, 'it would be grand.'

'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
'That they could get it clear?''
l doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

'O Oysters, come and walk with us!
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head --
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

Out four young Oysters hurried up.
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat --
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more --
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'

'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!
''No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed --
Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'

'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!
''The night is fine,' the Walrus said,
'Do you admire the view?'

'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!
'The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice-
I wish you were not quite so deaf-
I've had to ask you twice!'

'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
'To play them such a trick.
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!
'The Carpenter said nothing but
'The butter's spread too thick!'

'I weep for you,'the Walrus said:
'I deeply sympathize.
'With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?
'But answer came there none --
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

EXAMSSSSSSSSS!!!

2006-05-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

I AM HAVING EXAM ALL MONTH!!! HELP ME!!!!!!! Economy was all right but that was only because the person who set the questions decided to plagiarise the past year questions... this was supposed to test our what...financial ability to buy past year question books??? no comment on pp...it was tough in a fair way. that MEANS if you read it...you'll do just fine. for me...well you get the gist right??? literature was what i expected it to be...TOUGH!!! no surprises there. i mean what is the difference between HOW the character is portrayed and WHY the character is portrayed this way. john keats, although he is dead, is still very capable of torturing this innocent mind (ahem). i also have to emcee the first half of the teachers day celebration...and this is supposed to help me how??? karshini is back from matriculation...if you don't know her check my friendster list of friends...she can be your friend too! maga just smsed to tell me she missed me which just made my depressed mood even worse! I MISS her too...

ya know keats was right...
youth, "grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies
and beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes....
it means youth does not last forever and the my own mortality scares me...
doesn't it amaze you how one day you could sit here reading and the next locked in an ice cold coffin...
mortality is a fact of life and everybody is a afraid of death even me.
i think about all the things i will not be able to achieve because of my mortality and i feel like TIME has a gun to my back.
i read a really great quote that made me feel...ok i guess and the quote is "don't be afraid of dying but be afraid of your life not beginning"

in conclusion....today was a good day. i don't want to go into detail about my thoughts because it will deppress everybody.

bye bye...

QiAo yiNg MadE mE DO it!!!

2006-04-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

i told qiao ying that i haven't up-dated my blog in a while. so she made me sit here and post something. she told me a secret but i'm not allowed to tell anyone... since she is sitting next to me i am not even allowed to give a hint(maybe next time when she is not here) hehehehehehe.... let's see...my relatives came over the weekend and ruined every chance i had to study(but secretly i am thankful) and i received an award for being placed second in my class...and i also got a peribahasa book which is of no use to me!!!i haven't finish what i want to say but qiao ying is forcing me to publish my post(farhana also). so thank you and bye bye

tHInGs i WondER abOuT...

2006-04-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME???
TIME MAY BE A GREAT HEALER, BUT IT'S A LOUSY
BEAUTICIAN!!!
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE???
WHAT IS A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE LIKE? NIGHT, OF COURSE!
DO YOU EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
I RECENTLY REALISED THET FAMILIES ARE LIKE FUDGE...MOSTLY
SWEET , WITH A FEW NUTS(Pssssssst... that's me)
LIFE IS SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED.
WHY DOES A TAX INCREASE COST YOU A $100 AND A TAX CUT
SAVES YOU 30C?
WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
MY WEIGHT IS PERFECT FOR MY HEIGHT -WHICH VARIES.
WHY IS THERE NO EGG IN AN EGGPLANT?
WHY IS A GUINEA PIG NOT FROM GUINEA OR A PIG?
IF A VEGETARIAN EATS VEGETABLES,WHAT DOES A HUMANITARIAN EAT?

my little depression

2006-04-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

today i am stuck in a smalll hole of depression. so, i have decided to create a little poem about it; here we go...

HELP ME!!!

i am stuck in this whirpool,

that sucks you dry,

and leaves you high,

what have i done?

what do i have to do?

loneliness seeps through me,

like water in tissue,

i love myself,

do i?

i hate myself,

can i?

the demands,

the instructions,

the tasks,

the tension,

building pressure,

mounting...

like an active volcano,

that has been blocked

with a cork,

HELP ME!!!

don't worry,

i'll be fine,

i'm to intelligent to kill myself!!!

My fiRSt EveR

2006-03-31T05:50:00.000-08:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....... my first ever blog! i feel like a 90 year old granny in a 19 year 0ld's body! i think that's about it! i can't think of what to write.....ooooooohhh wait! i will tell what happened today in the most descriptive way i can! well...the morning started off pretty well. we had business studies as our first period and all i can remember from that is pig skin shoes, the shop in tangkak that did something unmentionable, and my teacher's toes being extra long. after that we had our general paper where my teammates( qiao ying, yarshini, nadiah) and i tried to figure out how to stop the spreading of infectious diseases to children in third world countries. it sounds pretty serious, but we ended talking about how to create water filters instead of looking at the big picture...and you wonder why my P.A.(general paper) is in such dire straits! then i went for recess and had chicken with nasi lemak which set my stomach on fire. after that we had our economics where we did what we did everyday.....confuse ourselves to death (of course). after that..........it's getting a little boring! let's get to the good part......the debate tryouts! IT WAS A DISASTER!!! they had no idea what they were talking about and neither did we (the judges). i was more intent on finishing my cornetto than actually paying attention. i mean no offense....they had good grammar and personality but the FIRE WAS MISSING! thank god i am not in miss nav's position! then i reached home at 3.45 p.m. and slept like a baby. i woke up, bathed and am sittting here typing this encredibly boring story of mine. But, i promise i will get to the really juicy details the next time........ciao

SouL oF a DeAd PoEt

where's my heart?

weekend happenings...

fate or coincidence???

trial and judgement

je t'aime...isn't that enough???

a rose

Art. Is it or isn't it?

Prince Charming

*clink* the sound of champagne glasses ...

a pattern of self hatred

the after party!!!

halloween & comfort zones....

revelations...chapter 1

i can't see you the way you see yourself...!

the morning after...

LiFe aFTer OnE yEAr........

EXAMSSSSSSSSS!!!

QiAo yiNg MadE mE DO it!!!

tHInGs i WondER abOuT...

my little depression

My fiRSt EveR

clink the sound of champagne glasses ...